Today was the last straw.
My husband actually told me that he was going on a bike ride. Now, you must understand that he hasn’t been on his bike since before we were married.
I believe that an alien pod arrived approximately ten weeks ago. I think it landed somewhere near my husband while he slept. At which time, a weird alien metamorphosis took place. My husband was sucked out of his human shell and replace by an alien that looks just like him.
I started to take notice of strange events. First he told me was going to go on a diet to lose forty-six pounds. I said, “why do you want to look like, Gandhi?” This guy didn’t have forty-six pounds to lose but lose but he did. He has already lost a total of thirty pounds. Thirty pounds.
His diet isn’t like the ones I’ve been on—no, this is different. He didn’t drink himself into a stupor and then vomit for two days straight, swearing off drinking and food and anything else that comes close to touching his lips.
He didn’t choose my other favorite either: kissing my kids a lot and making them breathe on me when they have the flu, so I can catch it and vomit for two days swearing off anything that comes near my mouth for another three days.
He also didn’t try the one I used last year—an abscessed tooth followed closely by a thyroidectomy. I lost ten pounds on that one.
My alien husband’s diet had to do with blood sugar stabilization and eating healthy. He doesn’t eat carbs or refined sugar. My husband?
Come on, Alienman, don’t try to pull the wool over my eyes. I may not know how to do space travel but I know there is no way my husband is going to give up carbs.
My alien husband says he doesn’t even get hungry or crave sugar.
Another weird thing that happened after the suspicious weight loss is gardening. That’s right; Alienman was leaving his laptop computer for more than thirty minutes at a time and was working in my garden.
The weeding was great, but then all of a sudden he was planting, planting in my garden. Planting things he had grown from seed–himself. This really made me suspicious. Some of the seedlings have really big leaves. He claims they’re pumpkins, but I suspect they are more pods.
I’m watching him secretly from my bedroom window. He is in my garden right now planting pods using his new skinny human body. He looks pretty good.
For an alien.