My Husband’s Been Abducted By Aliens

My husband six months ago                       

Today was the last straw.

My husband actually told me that he was going on a bike ride. Now, you must understand that he hasn’t been on his bike since before we were married.

I believe that an alien pod arrived approximately ten weeks ago. I think it landed somewhere near my husband while he slept. At which time, a weird alien metamorphosis took place. My husband was sucked out of his human shell and replace by an alien that looks just like him.

I started to take notice of strange events. First he told me was going to go on a diet to lose forty-six pounds. I said, “why do you want to look like, Gandhi?” This guy didn’t have forty-six pounds to lose but lose but he did. He has already lost a total of thirty pounds. Thirty pounds.

His diet isn’t like the ones I’ve been on—no, this is different. He didn’t drink himself into a stupor and then vomit for two days straight, swearing off drinking and food and anything else that comes close to touching his lips.

He didn’t choose my other favorite either: kissing my kids a lot and making them breathe on me when they have the flu, so I can catch it and vomit for two days swearing off anything that comes near my mouth for another three days.

He also didn’t try the one I used last year—an abscessed tooth followed closely by a thyroidectomy. I lost ten pounds on that one.

My alien husband’s diet had to do with blood sugar stabilization and eating healthy. He doesn’t eat carbs or refined sugar. My husband?

No carbs?

Come on, Alienman, don’t try to pull the wool over my eyes. I may not know how to do space travel but I know there is no way my husband is going to give up carbs.

My alien husband says he doesn’t even get hungry or crave sugar.

Right.

Another weird thing that happened after the suspicious weight loss is gardening. That’s right; Alienman was leaving his laptop computer for more than thirty minutes at a time and was working in my garden.

The weeding was great, but then all of a sudden he was planting, planting in my garden. Planting things he had grown from seed–himself. This really made me suspicious. Some of the seedlings have really big leaves. He claims they’re pumpkins, but I suspect they are more pods.

I’m watching him secretly from my bedroom window. He is in my garden right now planting pods using his new skinny human body. He looks pretty good.

For an alien.

My husband after the unfortunate pod incident  

Stumble It!

Comments

[Kalyn]

You're funny! He looks great, and it sounds like it's working too.

[chigiy]

Kalyn,
I can't believe how different he looks and feels. He sleeps through the night, he doesn't snore, he is more active with a positive outlook–he's an alien.

[sraikh]

I had to laugh. It is an amazing before and afte rpicture. He looks like 10 years younger in the "after" picture. Its his beard in the first one :)

[jeanette]

ROFL! Watch out - soon he will be trying to get you to eat raw green things...you, too could become a pod.

[chigiy]

sraikh,
His beard definitely made him look older. I don't think aliens like facial hair. People who know him and who haven't seen him in several weeks don't even recognize him and he loves it.

Jeanette,
It used to be me who would try to get him to eat healthier. Now he lectures me. Who knew? Believe me I look for the pod every night before I go to sleep.

[Amber]

Can he come plant some alien pods around here? This is funny Chigiy! Rich looks great.

[Dennis]

The FIRST Rich was abducted by aliens long ago, the second was abducted by Jimmy Hoffa in the 70's. The "Rich" you married was a mafia clone with some bad habits (but still mighty attactive evidently, since he managed to seduce a georgeous creature like yourself). I think this Rich might be the original abductee, returned from and improved by his stay on Venus. We could find out for sure with the anal probe.

[Elise]

Wait, I always thought Rich WAS an alien. Now you're telling me his quirkiness is just a result of an abduction? Posh.

When Rich told me he was losing weight I kinda wondered what got into him. He looks great! And inspiration to all of us. (As she sneaks off to scarf down bread and pasta...)

[Jen]

Wo. Alienman looking good.

[chigiy]

Amber,
I have some seedlings. I don't know what they are. I'm pretty sure they're pods. I'll give them to you.

Dennis,
Wait, does this mean that jimmy Hoffa was an alien? And I thought men were from Mars.
I'll let you know what the probe turns up.
The alien and I miss you.

Elise,
Hey, Can you believe how good he looks. He has lost four more pounds since that picture. I call him "Skinny" now.

Jen,
Hi, I will tell Aliennam you said so.

[Paul Salverda]

Wife of Alien,
At least they sent you back a younger ...man? being? clone?

Hope to see you in just a few weeks!

All the best,

[Kim Ratcliff]

Chigiybaby, you're hubby is a hottie! Funny piece as always. However, as a germaphobe I was a little mortified to read the part about you kissing your boys when they have the flu!! Love, Anal Mom

[Amie Sue]

That story is so cute! God, Rich looks GREAT! I'm not going to ask any "probing" details...but whatever he is doing, tell him to keep up the good work! My husband just joined an adult lacrosse team, same kind of weird Alien mid life crisis...I live seeing Rich's face without the beard- he does look 10-15 years younger...I miss you, how's your Summer going? Guess I'll see you at the drop off if Liam is doing the Fisher "readiness" classes prior to 7th grade's start...."brains!"
(zombie reference) - u get it- I know....
Love, AS

[chigiy]

Paul,
I miss you guys

Kim,
I'm gonna give you a big kiss when I have the swine flu.
xox

Amie Sue,
I get the zombie reference. Liam is at scout camp this week. We should get together and watch the bachelorette finale together.