Well here it is: I’m comin’ clean. Allright, I’ll say it—I’m a worm abuser!
Here’s my story: about six years ago one of my best friends—and gardening—buddy moved. Yes, she moved away. I was crushed. The only thing I have to remember her now is this Damn worm composter she left me. Now I believe in composting. I’m just not that good at it.
There are too many rules.
There are rules about the location of your composter, about what to feed them, when to feed them, what not to feed them, how much to feed them. When to harvest the compost. What to do with the worms when you harvest the compost. Keeping the proper moisture. Maintaining a certain temperature. Blah blah blah.
In case you don’t know how a worm composter works, here’s a quick explanation. You throw kitchen scraps in a bin with worms. The worms eat it. They poop. The poop is called castings. The castings are great for your plants.
You are supposed to have bedding material in your composter. What? Bedding material? They’re worms. I can’t do this. I have children. Even if I didn’t have children, I have dogs. They’re hard enough. My dogs are lucky if they have bedding material.
My children sleep in beds. My dogs sleep on the floor and my worms sleep in my garbage. This is the way it should be.
You are supposed to shred your bedding materials such as newspaper, cardboard, and fall leaves. Nay nay, you can’t just throw the fall leaves in with your worms, they need to be shredded. Okey dokey. Evidently you can also use “chopped” straw and “aged” manure, even seaweed? This is a good one—compost. I’m so confused.
Here is a rule that does make sense. And one that I actually follow. You cannot put grass cuttings in with the wormies. Why? Can anyone tell me?
That’s right. Because grass will create heat and give off ammonia. Both of these things are deadly for worms.
Worms would rather have vegetable and fruit scraps, green leaves, annual weeds (with no seed heads that could sprout), bread, and eggshells. They love eggshells. They need their calcium, (just like me.) They also like coffee grounds and tea bags. I like to put coffee grounds in with the worms, 'cause it makes them work faster.
I don’t put in citrus, banana peels or corncobs. Worms don’t like citrus. It’s too acidic, and banana peels and corncobs take forever to compost. I don’t have forever. Oh by the way eggshells help keep the acidity down.
At my house it’s either feast or famine. I either have a huge amount of kitchen scraps or I’ve made frozen dinners for a week and have none. Here are some more worm rules about this. You are not supposed to dump large quantities of scraps or whatever you are feeding the worms because the worms can only eat so much at one time so your composer could start to smell. I also read that too much worm food could upset the worms. I’m not kidding. How do they know the worms are upset and what does that mean?
My method: remove lid, dump scraps in, replace lid, walk in house, read People magazine, wonder what our fascination is with Paris Hilton and why Brittney is not in a mental institution.
Here is a fact I really like. You can leave a well-established worm composter alone for up to 4 weeks. Yes! I love that. I can do that.
You are also supposed to place your worm composter in the right location.
Get this—some people keep them on their kitchen counters. Eeewww. Even though this sounds gross, and I would never do it, I guess you could because guess what, worm don’t smell.
I’ll never forget the first time I went out to feed my worms. Remember my worms were already well established. I dressed in old scummy clothes. I put on big fat rubber gloves that my husband uses in the garage for sorting nuclear waste or something, and I wore one of those painting masks. I looked like I was working with the Ebola virus.
I made several trips to the “hot zone” dressed like this until I read somewhere that worms didn’t smell. They don’t smell??? I ventured into my back yard, tentatively removed the lid to the composter, and gave the air a quick little sniff—Nothing. I got a little closer and tried it again. All I could smell was this kind of pleasant earthy smell. Hey, it smelled just like…like dirt. I know that smell. I spend about a quarter of my life in it.
Anyway, here sits my poor little composter, and my poor little worms. Is my composter in the right location? Noooo. It sits outside next to my Tuff Shed in a very neglected part of my yard. It sits there when it freezes. It sits there when it’s 110 degrees out. Through rain and snow and sleet. It sits. O.K., we don’t get a lot a snow and sleet but for the last two years the temperature dropped into the 20s. Oops. The worms are still there though and they still eat my garbage.
My girlfriend just informed me today that I should be careful because there is some bad parasitic worm that could get into my composter. If there is one, I’m sure it has already made a home in my composter. Everything else has.
Yes, it’s true, if you follow all the rules of vermicompost (worm composting) you will only have worms in your composter but if you’re like me, you will also make a home for flies and gnats and a several other insects. My worms, however, are still there and they still eat my garbage.
What ever you do, don’t compost protein like meat or cheese or cooked food with butter on it. It’s one thing to attract flies; it’s another to attract rats and other furry vermin.
At the end of the day this worm abuser can dig into the bottom of my vermicomposter and find rich black castings.
You can use your vermicompost by mixing it in with your potting soil or by top dressing soil in your potted or houseplants. The wormies really don’t produce a lot of compost so you can also make worm compost tea. Just add compost to water mix and water your plants with it. It goes a lot further this way. I have a composter that actually has a spigot for the “tea”.
If composting with worms interests you or a good friend abandons you and leaves you her vermicomposter, there is a very good book on the subject by the late Mary Appelhof. It’s is called what else but “Worms Eat My Garbage.”
O.K., I confess, I haven’t read it.
I’m not only a worm abuser; I’m an illiterate worm abuser.
Here is a "how to" sign I found at the San Francisco Flower and Garden Show yesterday. It provides some good information on vermicomposting.
More about the garden show later.
An illiterate composter? You totally made me laugh out loud this morning, Chigiy -- I love how you combined actual good information with self-deprecating (and excellent) storytelling!
Posted by: Genie | March 17, 2008 at 03:37 AM
Oh that was a delightful post.
Loved it and this is one compost experience I shall leave for the worms in the garden!
thanks for the morning smile and the information.
Gail
Posted by: Gail | March 17, 2008 at 05:04 AM
I think your worms are simply Darwinian.
Survivors. That which does not kill them is making them strong.
Unlike my apartment worms that never found happiness or joy. I think we gave them a decent burial. I hope they were only playing possum, and have wiggled their way to greener pastures.
Successful composting still eludes me - more at www.kitchencomposter.org
Posted by: Jean | March 17, 2008 at 06:39 PM
Hey, my worms eat banana peels! In fact, it seems to be one of their favorite items which is good since I live with monkeys. I'm up late hanging out on the computer because I have a sick child vomiting on a regular basis. If only children were like worms and didn't smell stinky.
Posted by: Amber Shaw | March 17, 2008 at 11:39 PM
I thought about raising my own meat. Then realized I'd have a hard time keeping them in a sandwich.
Anyone interested in Vermicomposting should check out http://thegardenforums.org
They have a great forum about growing worms. What you do with them is your own business.
Posted by: wiseacre | March 18, 2008 at 12:48 PM
Well, the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. I've looked at worm composting before, and decided it would be 'too many rules' , and one more thing to tend. And I only have one kid at home! Enjoyed your post.
Posted by: Muum from Utah | March 19, 2008 at 12:25 PM
ROTFL Great post! BTW I didn't know that worms need to moisturize too. :-)
Posted by: Yolanda Elizabet | March 20, 2008 at 10:45 AM
Genie,
I admire your writing, so coming from you that is a great compliment.
Gail,
Thank you.
Jean,
Thank you for visiting.
I think of my worms as Darwinian survivors also. I am doing my part for the worm gene pool. I am creating a race of super worms.
Successful composting has eluded me too.
Amber,
I'm sorry about the sick boys.
Hey, I wonder if you can compost vomit?
xxoox
Wiseacre,
I will check out the forum. Thanks.
Muum,
There Are too many rules, luckily my worms can handle abuse.
Yolanda,
Every night after their bath, I dip each of my worms in Vaseline Intensive Care lotion and put them to bed.
Posted by: chigiy | March 20, 2008 at 09:18 PM
Cracking post! Exactly how I feel too. Much the same goes for my garden compots, too wet, to dry, not enough this not enough that, then you have to mix it? Where? they don't tell you this before you get the bin and you only have a 3ft square area to work in!!!!!!
Posted by: Libby | March 21, 2008 at 05:38 AM
Good post! I'm feeling much better about how I treat my words. My worms are in the dining room in a big Rubbermaid storage container with little air things on the side. I like this location, if only because people are grossed out with the idea. I'm having a blast with my worms - I don't follow all these rules and mine are still alive. . At least so far - I'm treating them as another family pet since my son won't let me get another cat.
Posted by: zerozero | March 21, 2008 at 09:44 PM
oops ... that should have been 'worms' in the first line.
Posted by: zerozero | March 21, 2008 at 09:45 PM
Libby,
I know it all seems like a good idea until you're actually doing it. Thanks for visiting
Kate,
I don't have worms in my house but
I have a little bird that I keep in my kitchen and I actually have to hide her when some of my friends come over because she freaks them out. Who Knew? No problem about the typo, I have them All the time.
Posted by: chigiy | March 22, 2008 at 12:30 PM